Saturday, March 5, 2011
The 2011 Soca Monarch Consolation Prizes
Well soca monarch done so by now allyuh know de scene (if not check the results here). The two million was taken by Mr HD leaving many real bitter and sticky sticky (word to Kendall). Being the thoughtful and considerate person that I am though, I realise that a lot of people deserved special mention for their unique 'performances' and weren't rewarded via a two million purse or via some type of attention or notification. So in light of that, I present to you, the soca monarch consolation prizes.
1) The WTF award (Shurwayne Winchester) - Hoss, wah was dat dawg? Even actor dude from "The Wire" was hating and he not even from trini. Dem children coming out at the end was real Michael Jacksonesque too. (Special mention to Jahmoun for bringing on Macka Diamond...to wine???? Dude, ppl still in debate whether she's really a woman.)
2) The Mango Chow Fruitiness award (Peter Elias) - This man give realll trouble, even before he start to get frass. Quote of the night by dude - "I don't mean to be a pageant boy but..." Now as I say before, I not being homophobic eh but hossss...
3) The St Ans. Head gone award (Destra Garcia) - Mih girl performance start off in a bed and unfortunately never woke up after that. Strangely, instead of choosing to sing any of her power hits that people knew she decided to sing her pan song instead (??). Then when she realise the crowd was in statue mode, she trip out and proceeded to throw the biggest bf I've ever seen on local television. Her off-key actions included trying to get the crowd to chant "No Advantage" in an attempt to spite Machel, general toting about random mad ppl stuff onstage and running her own dancers off stage citing the fact that "odder people had to perform. I'm a huge fan of her eh but dat need some couch sessions.
4) The Word Vomit award (the young female presenter between performances)- Smallie definitely was a case for less is more. Her crimes included going several sentences of no interest without taking a breath, interrupting her male companion by the phrase (not even a complete sentence he got most times word to Jerome), replacing the trini word "picong" with her version "peacock" and attributing a hit song to Michelle Xavier (sorry Michelle yuh know de scn, collateral damage).
5) The Common Sense award (Ravi B) - Before mih boy even come on stage he was getting boo normel. I was smelling a Sonny Mann level bottle pelting in the vicinity but home boy maneuver through it well like POS traffic and even get the crowd to give a response albeit by invoking the name of Iwer. Still, I was disappointed by the missed irony of him receiving a bottle pelting so soon after requesting one in soca chutney frustration.Next time I guess.
6) The Anything Goes wotlessness award (Machel Montano) - The crowd wasn't really moving to HD so much initially despite some good props by mih boy so he decided to do something about it and go for the jugular on Bunji. The delivery was so so and the punchline was sloppily put together but the sentiment was something we've been whispering about years now...who really wearing de pants in dat relationship, eh?
7) The Indecent wotlessness award (All Rounder) - With a children hampering pants that probably had his boys in a vice grip (good ting he have children already eh), this guy proceeded to remove his jersey to reveal a netted or as a trini would say, "see through" vest underneath that revealed way to much of his 71 year old physique. And that was before he humped the ground vigorously while one of his danced gyrated on his back. Grampa wasn't easy at alllll.
8) Most Inappropriate Soca Soubriquet award (Blood) - "Blood" as a soca artiste name? Really hoss?
9) Let sleeping dogs lie award (Bunji) - So after Machel hit Bunji hard he came out to perform and just went crazy on de man. He didn't directly answer the question about who's the man in the relationship between he and Fay-Ann but he sure hit him hard in other ways. Thank you Machel for re-awaking the lyrical Bunji.
10) The fickleness award (Soca Monarch crowd) - One minute is Iwer, then Machel. Then dey booing Machel, then is Bunji, then Fay-Ann. Facebook views were way more streamlined by comparison but then again we were sober.