Some Tips For the 2011 Soca Monarch Front Runners

Ever since the soca monarch cash prize went bulimic and ballooned to 2 million TT it seems like everyone wants a piece. Ghost of soca monarchs past have re-emerged and steadfast principles have left quickly like patrons after a Machel performance. The semi-finals took place last weekend and coming out of that there have been some front runners, plenty ole talk and some of the bacchanal that we trinis like to see. As a trini, I believe I have some advice for the front-runners so if you want that stadium flag money listen close.

POWER SOCA ADVICE

Machel Montano - Machel you doing good but right now you too predictable. "Advantage" while a good song sounds like three other songs you had before but daz no scn, you could still take them. What we need though is a surprise, something like the rocket man in the first Alternative Concept or Wyclef roaring on the stage via a motorcycle for AC 5. Also play on the word "advantage"...some how.

Fay-Ann - Fay-Ann, soca monarch is your crowd and you're a descendant of royal soca legacy so keep working that. You're doing everything right so far so keep pumping.

Bunji - Bunji, we know your song is about fire but we need more fire from you. You do your best work when you're angry about something like "Fete is Fete" which could have been road march btw if everyone could have afforded to play mas but daz another story. Freestyle something too, attack somebody. And go at Machel, we all want to see you attack the king.

Destra - Destra, stop going on radio stations feeling sorry for yourself. We get it, you've been robbed in the past but oh gosh, move on nah. Then again, maybe you don't have to. If you can channel you inherent bitterness and bitchiness (your words not mine) then the spectacle will at least be legendary.

GROOVY SOCA ADVICE

Kes - Kes, groovy soca is basically yours. "Wotless" will be the song people remember when they think about 2011 and may even become your signature song after this. However, you need to step your game up dawg. Yuh cyah sing a song about wotlessness and be playing pretty boy ting on stage. Yuh ha to get dutty, remove them pretty backup dancers and get some more wotless ones. Plus is not about anyone, is about you. Remember you said it, "this year ah moving wotless". Don't just say it homie, do it.

Benjai - Benjai, you're a naturally charismatic fella, one who can perform in ah ole vest and still mash up any crowd. However dawg, yuh not going to win groovy like that but then ah not sure if you even care about winning. If you do, then any effort from you should give you the win as well, you know yuh song bess and everybody love it.

Destra - Same as before Destra. "Cool it down" is a bess song but your challenge is to try to embody the song by being the opposite of yourself...sweet. You still look good so try feminine it up and let de ppl like yuh.

Cassie - Right now mih boy, you are de dark horse in this race but trust me, you could take it. People might fight you down but your song authentic as hell and anybody who tief ah wine walking de road jouvert morning or Carnival Tuesday know bout dem "town ting". If you can sell dat authenticity properly you just might pull it from the thoroughbreds.

And iz dat. That's my advice for the Soca Monarch 2011. Much love to all the contestants and good luck to dem all. If you have any more advice, feel free to add it in the comments. Face out.

The Chuck Norris Laws (Trinidad Style)

If you're familiar with the original Chuck Norris internet scene then you know that Chuck Norris is a pretty strong guy who can do amazing things. Well, on Facebook a few weeks ago a friend of mine Kendall "Icekream" Arneaud decided to explore the Chuck Norris scene within a trini context and the results are below. Big up Q D Ross, Merriq Estates, Kendall, Baidawi and yours truly for contributions. Trust me, is reallll funny stuff.


1) Chuck Norris beats his steel pan with his bare knuckles.

2) When Chuck Norris puts on a bata bullet, it becomes a bata missile.

3) Chuck Norris told Bunji to change his name from fireman to waterboy...and he did

4) Chuck Norris' version of the dollar wine goes: cent, 5 cent, 10 cent, 100!

5) Chuck Norris kicks roast corn into chilli bibbi.

6) Buhwamoder sang slap chop for chuck Norris....Chuck Norris slapped him and chopped him

7) Bmobile gives Chuck Norris' phone reception everywhere.

8) The iPhone logo on Chuck Norris' cell has a capital I.

9) Chuck Norris finds Angostura bitters sweet.

10) TTT never signed off in Chuck Norris' house.

11) Chuck Norris orders his pepper with slight doubles

12) Iwer george wrote the hand hand hand song after receiving one slap from Chuck Norris

13) The strongman toffee was made of Chuck Norris' snat

14) When Chuck Norris waving a rag in a fete, Jamaica does be on hurricane watch.

15) For Chuck Norris, a trip to tobago is a 2 hour boat ride, 5 minute plane ride or 1 minute swim.

16) Chuck Norris still smokes weed in Globe

17) CHUCK NORRIS cud PLAY MAS cause POWDER fraid him!

18) What Chuck Norris considers to be wining low is what we call limbo.

19) You could actually get chook by Chuck Norris' bbm pin.

20) When Chuck Norris bowling the wicket keeper does stand up by the boundary.

21) Chuck Norris can tell you where the man with the hammer gone

22) The active ingredient that gives diana power mints their sting is Chuck Norris sweat.

23) If yuh spill puncheon Chuck Norris will rough you up for wasting chaser.

24) Chuck Norris posts status updates on a real wall.

25) Chuck Norris tweets with real birds

Ten Reasons Why Bad Soca Music Is YOUR Fault

1) You convinced Machel that Road March is more important than good music, the opposite of what he learned years ago.


2) You let Iwer George win road march with a song containing a chorus that mentions the word "hand" over 20 times.


3) You let ragga soca aka 'soca with lyrics' die rendering Bunji Garlin a fish out of water.


4) You robbed Destra Garcia at least one soca monarch and two road march titles.


5) You only now realised in 2011 that Benjai is a big artiste.


6) You let Chinese Laundry advantage KMC in years when he had several big tunes.


7) You let Shurwayne Winchester win road march twice with the same song.


8) You disapprove of chutney rum songs but support them under the influence of rum.


9) You support(ed) the trend of half-assed dancehall soca collaborations starting with "Rubber Waist" by Machel and Red Rat (yeah I liked that song but it was half-assed).


10) You let deejays not only control what gets played via the soca mafia but now make a hustle out of we music.